20 July, 1870
My Dear Miss Whitnell,
I hope you will forgive any strange turns of phrase and other lexical staggering in my letter to you, but am somewhat indisposed after a tumble I had. In addition I have the hindrance of writing to you on a Prussian Military stationary set.
Caine normally has one at the ready, but with all of the excitement he seems to have run out of the 'standard forms'.
Caine thinks I don't know that those forms are for the secret dispatches. Not to sound petulant, but having relatives of high station means that you are constantly under some sort of watch. But Caine has never tipped my hand to my sister Agatha, so I feel its fair of me to let him send them. Perhaps one day I will ask him why anyone would be so interested in my activities. We go from place to place and hardly a spare moment passes when he isn't writing up some coded message that reports "Lt. Wooster had a bloody good game of darts, what ho! -Caine".
In any case I hope the language barrier of the writing kit doesn't prevent you from reading this letter, ha ha. I can't quite understand what the word "Protokoll" means on this letterhead: "Port 'o Call" is my guess--the address where you are sending the letter. Unfortunately my German translation book is not upon my person. In any case let me get to the point of this parchement.
Regarding that fight I was in. The hocus-pocus that you laid upon my sword really saved my skin. The brute that I was facing (either a were-wolf or a Prussian General, ha ha) was trying to prevent Caine and I from stopping a ferocious fire. Another few minute and three carrages of powder would have put the delightful little burg we were stationed next to half way to Paris.
Not that the Prussians wouldn't have been able to get there themselves (assuming one strapped themselves to cannon shell). The powder was for a (pardon my language) bloody big gun. Oh, and you will be happy to hear that the lads stopped that rascal Dr. Fate from stealing the cannon. Please pass my 'tip of the hat' to Mr. O'Flaherty as I recall that the Doctor's assistant is known to him.
The train was on fire, and we had to move it. I recall galloping at breakneck speed to the engine on the back end of the train. They use it to push the train, you know. As well as help it stop. I'll have to remember to ask Edward if it would be possible to make a ship pulled by a set of screws on the bow. Could be a useful device.
Anyhow this wolfman (wolf-meister, Prussian-wolf-something) was devilishly fast and strong as an ox. I was barely keeping my own in the rumpus. However I distinctly perceived that every time I went to block one of his blows, or stab, or slash, my blade seemed just a hair faster, arriving more spot on that one of Miss Chidwidgeon's newts into the soup tureen.
Now I know you might find this somewhat unbelievable of an officer in Her Majesty's Service, but frankly I do not know magic from a telegraph, (there seems to be a good deal of fiddling of the fingers with both things) but thought it wise to send my most sincere thanks to you. You were kind and thoughtful enough to do me a good turn with that spell, and I wanted to make sure that I showed proper recognition of the fact.
I am in you debt,
Lt. Henry Wooster
Letter to Commodore Moriarty.
From: Lt. Wooster, en route to Metz
Commodore,
I feel dashed sorry I have to ask for forgivness rather than permission, but the circumstances are looking rather critical.
No doubt my man Caine has sent the particulars of the Hun plot against France. I have never been one to like France to any great degree. Their climate is unpleasant, they have strange food and their military leaves much to be desired in an opponent at times. However, I do recall having some of the most marvelous wines from that region in the south you know.
However, there seems to be some bally plot against Emperor Nappy in Metz involving some of these ghoulish opponents that we have been running across lately. They are getting rather tiring (in both the literal and figurative senses).
As our course will have us violating the borders of several nations, I'm apologizing in advance for any diplomatic rumbles I create here.
Please send my regards to the Admiralty.
Yrs,
Lt. Wooster
Proceed to Letter to Sir Cosmo
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