6 April 1870
To: Cptn. R. Q. Doubthorp, Naval Supply
From: Lt Henry Wooster, on special assignment at Her Majesty's pleasure.
Roddy,
Smashing news about your promotion, old chap. To think of all of the times that Commander Ballthorp said we would never make it out of the harbor, much less up the ranks. Those were certainly the days!
I'm in a bit of a pickle here that my man, Petty Officer Caine, seems entirely undisposed to resolving it and I'm hoping you can give me good turn. After all you wouldn't have that soft position over at ordinance if I hadn't distracted the Commodore that eve in Brussels. I still remember the look on your face when you found out who miss 'Pertnell' was. I thought your jaw would just come completely unhinged. Ah, those were the days, were they not?
Anyway, I need a favor. I'm on a hush hush assignment over at B. F. and C. Stein's works. Something along the lines of what we were doing a few years ago with the rummy Admiral Spotwenth's project, only hopefully with much fewer explosions. I still have a cap with scorch marks on it that have resisted Caine's best attempts to this day.
There's been some rather nasty business with Frenchies and a Hun that I met in the Crimea. Lots of running around, daggers under cloaks and such. Not much of it makes a lot of sense to me other that there are several sets of plans for rather extraordinary mechanisms that have come into our side's possession and various unpleasantries have transpired as we have resisted in giving them up. If I could tell you of some of the events that have come to pass you would be very impressed at our service to the Queen and England.
In any case I had commandeered a gunboat yesterday in order to provide support for some of our number who were parlaying with some brigands on the Thames. Perhaps you heard the concussions as their barge was consumed in a great conflagration? It was most impressive. Even better I was not responsible for one bit of it.
I however did disable a paddlewheel steamer that was towing the ruddy barge. From what I have been told I am a genius because I managed to soak some sorcerous chappie that was intent on our sides harm. To tell you the truth I wanted to avoid destroying the barge, and the tug was the nearest thing to spend a bit of ordinance on.
Of course there was another tramp steamer that had taken our side's delegation to visit with the elder brother of Captain Moriarty.
And to confirm the rumour I have heard passing around HQ, the treasonous Captain Hartley, who escaped the gallows a few years back, is dead, at last. Not only that, but as sort of the icing on the cake, that murderous fiend, Jerrold Moriarty, is dead, again.
I have no idea how. From the report I read outside Admiral Waiversmythe's offices last May he was most certainly dead the last time too. These rummy chaps who die certainly seem to bounce back very well. Herr Bopp, the German commander I was great chums with back in the Crimea certainly is still around.
I'm still trying to find out what that nickname he gave me means. I have the most positive view that it is likely just a friendly appellation, but from the shade of red Ms. Fallwhite turned when I related it, I have a suspicion that there may be more to it than that.
In any case I expended several 3-inch shells for a patrol boat, the HMS Cochoran, and I'm stuck between supply and the Ministry in trying to get replacements for them. My man Caine has been rather distracted this last week or so I thought I would show some of that Wooster initiative and see to getting this matter resolved. I can give nothing but praise to the man's intellect and administrative know how. But he's been so busy, I thought I would give him a holiday.
The matters that have him tied up seem pretty hush hush. He spends quite a bit of time with some of the blokes from the Ministry of Non-consular Affairs and I do hope that I have not been dragging him into any administrative rumplebumps or such. After the amount of paperwork we had to do following that rummy French warship sinking. I tell you I had no idea that the 'patrol boat' we were on was carrying that underwater missile.
The group I've fallen in with here is a real whipcrack company. The brains of the circle are none other than Sir Cosmo Cowperthwaite, the inventor. A man of incredible intellect--nearly the match of my man Caine--but a ooffie industrialist to boot. His factory is a most interesting place to visit if you ever happen to be on business for the boffins over in Ordinance Development.
Oh, I know that your nephew Wellington is into those penny dreadfuls if I recall. In our party we happen to have some American chap named Jebediah Wilson, better known in some circles as one 'Kid Rocket.' A balmy cowboy except for his expertise with rocket propelled munitions. I had the good fortune of saving his life, twice, these last days, and following up by losing the better part of my pocketbook to him at cards.
We also have Mr. Spencer Cuthbert, the Mining Mogul and noted big game hunter assisting us as well as his niece Elethea. The woman converses with the etherial, just like those delightful twins from Siam we were wooing year before last. Uncanny if you ask me. I couldn't tell a spirit from a brick house falling down, but she certainly has a knack for pulling answers from thin air. Hah hah!
If you recall one Captain Forester from a few years back (not a real captain, of course, he was one of those blasted army chaps), we have his widow, Miss Victoria Whitnell, as well as Miss Ruth Sinclar. Both are very forward looking women, though I certainly haven't stopped trying to impress them. I believe I would have been bally well arm-in-arm with one of them if I just had not been so busy with all of the details I have had to take charge of as of late.
In any case we've cracked what appear to be several conspiriacies of the most devious origin. I do assure you this is the case, unlike that regretable incident in the Suez with the Turkish ambassidor's party. There was simply no way for me to know that those bally Huns were to blame. Luckily my man Caine was there to take charge of the details and such.
In any case, please see to getting the chaps on the HMS Cochoran a full magazine.
Yrs.
Henry
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