First session, "Mightier Than the Sword"

The impossible door

Excerpts from the diary Mr Adam Waitley

Curator's Notes: Mr Waitley was a star of London cabarets and comic opera stages beginning in the late 1860s. Perhaps most famous for creating the roles of Lt Whiffle (A Royal Engagement, by Graham and Templeton) and the Undying Captain Jack (Molly Sparrow, Queen of the Pirates, by Graham and Templeton), though he was much loved for his appearances in pantos and less reputable cabarets in the persona of Miss Felicia Jollydolly.

Tuesday, 4 April, 1876

Leaving cold Yorkshire at last. I hope it is warmer in Somerset. I can't wait for this country holiday to be over.

Though I did have a very sweet good-bye from Ezekial. Or was it Obadiah? One of those Bible names. Oh, that thing that everyone says Yorkshiremen keep in their pants? Definitely not true. Thank goodness!

Much as I'm missing good old London, Fong is definitely pining more. That is one of the reasons I refuse to settle down. It just isn't compatible with an actor's life. What is the point of being on the road, if not to sample the flavors of all the provinces?

Oh, my goodness. Bernadette has fallen asleep on the train again. I'll wager they can hear her snoring all the way back in York.

Wednesday, 5 April, 1876

Somerset is south of Yorkshire, I am quite certain, yet it seems no warmer here! Bernadette says that it is because of the damp. Most of the land around here used to be under water. "The Levels" were miles and miles of swamp, until they built the canals and such to drain the excess away.

We had a bit of trouble with the innkeeper last night. People keep assuming that Fong is a servant, and feel he shouldn't be staying in an ordinary room, but should be in the loft of the stables. Then there were the other patrons at dinner.

You can be sure later in the week some of these same people will be standing, clapping, and cheering when Captain Wu takes his bow at the end of the evening... and then think nothing of treating him like dirt the next day if they see him in the street. Some nights he even gets louder applause than I. Imagine!

I used to think that actors were among the most reviled of inn customers, until we began traveling with Fong.

Thursday, 6 April 1876

Oh, my goodness! Where can I possibly begin?

The sets arrived. We were assisting the workmen get the crates moved to the proper places. I was a bit distracted having struck up a truly fascinating topic with a lovely young man named James (or was it John?), so I missed the beginning of the trouble. But Bernadette saw the whole thing.

Some of the locals were hanging about and commenting on the proceedings. Several of them were making various disparaging comments to Fong. The usual thing: speaking in pidgen (never mind that he can read and speak in at least two languages, and I doubt most of them can sign their own name), references to opium smoking, and so forth. One of them grabbed him and was making some joke about how baptismal water might wash the yellow away.

Which is ridiculous, because Fong's skin is not at all yellow. It's more like the color of really strong tea with just a bit of cream.

Anyway, before Bernadette could get in there and pull the lout off, his friends and joined in, all trying to pull on Fong's shirt for some reason. Fong struggled to get loose, and apparently he hit on of the idiots a bit harder than he meant to, because the gawk was knocked halfway across the rode. This enraged the other nits, and they were fit to stomp Fong into the dirt. Fortunately, Bernadette and I grabbed Fong and pulled him inside the theatre and barred the door.

They were pounding on the door for several minutes while we made sure Fong hadn't been hurt. One of his sleeves had been torn, and a couple buttons popped off his jacket, but otherwise he was all right.

He kept saying that he hadn't punched the man. Though we had clearly seen the clot go flying. If I'd never met Fong's father, I wouldn't believe he was capable of it, but you know any son of Rip Chigwidgeon his going to have killer dukes.

Then the constables arrived, and demanded we surrender the "dangerous chinaman." Bernadette tried to negotiate, even claimed that he was the one who had thrown the punch. While she had them distracted, I suggested Fong try to leg it, but he didn't want to cause the show any more trouble, and insisted he should go along quietly. I was afraid they'd rough him up.

And maybe they would have, except along the way to the local lock up, who should we meet but Lord Cuthbert, his neice, and Mr Seamus O'Flaherty! The three worthies made it clear they considered Fong a friend, which made the constables more than a bit nervous. I remembered that Fong had said his sister was attending opening night, but hadn't realized so many of their circle were coming all the way to Taunton to see the show.

The sergeant didn't care who Fong's friends were. Fong was charged and booked into the cage.

Then Lord and Lady Cowperthwaite arrived. Things got a little tense when Lord Cowperthwaite asked one of the sergeant not to refer to his brother as a "chonky." It was amazing how all the words were so polite, but the tone of voice, if it had been aimed at me, would have had me running for a good hidey hole.

As if that weren't enough, somehow word had gotten to Inspector MacGregor (or is he a Chief Inspector now?) about this, and he'd sent a telegram to the Chief Constable asking for a report.

By this time the local magistrate had arrived, and he wanted to talk to all of the witnesses. Would you believe it? The original gawk insisted that it had all been a joke. Of course a little man like Fong couldn't have thrown him across the road. No, the gawk claimed that he had jumped, and then pretended to be hurt as a prank.

And Fong had insisted that he hadn't thrown a punch at anyone. So, the magistrate told the sergeant to let Fong go.

Mrs Cuthbert was suspicious about the gawk who'd changed his story. What I figured happened was that when all those guys surrounded Fong, shouting and pulling, that he simply tried to push them away, and being Rip's son, put a bit more shove in than he meant, which sent the gawk flying. Then once the constables had taken Fong away, the gawk's idiot friends had started teasing him about being beaten up by such a small man, and he just made up the jumping story to protect his pride.

We all went back to the theatre. Bernadette and I were both worried the louts would come back for some kind of revenge. Apparently we weren't the only ones, because Lord and Lady Cowperthwaite, their ward, some of their servants, and Mrs Salmalin all asked if they could watch the set up and rehearsal.

The rehearsal was going quite well, despite all the trouble. Fong was in the center of the stage, right in the middle of his big "Emporer of the Sea" number, when someone opened the stage trap, right under him.

I was scared that he'd been too hurt to go on tomorrow. Don't get me wrong. I love Bernadette, despite some of the things I say about her, and she does a passable job on Captain Wu's songs, but she just doesn't master the role the way Fong does, and when Captain Jack and Wu have their big confrontation, I need Wu to be frighteningly fierce, or it just doesn't work. Bernadette doesn't have it in her, alas.

Besides, that means Luke understudies for Bernadette, and even when he isn't singing off-key, Luke's about as entertaining as a rotten cabbage.

Everyone stormed up on the stage. Lady Cowperthwaite practically leaped from the middle of the orchestra the go after him.

We couldn't find him anywhere. There was this one set piece with a door in it, half open, and it was up against a solid brick wall, I swear, but somehow Lady C dove through the door and vanished, saying something about, "they took him through here!"

While Lord C, Miss Moriarty, and that really stunning footman that I try to forget is married to Mrs Salmalin were all running through the impossible door, Mrs Salmalin grabbed me and made me promise to run to the telegraph office and send a telegram to Mitzi. She was insistent that I phrase it just so, and made me repeat it twice (I was very noble and did not take it as an insult that she had forgotten that I only need one read through to learn my lyrics): "Fairy snatched Fong from Taunton stage. In pursuit. Please sent help."

And then armed with nothing more than an iron skillet that she'd found in the props, she also walked through the impossible door.

I ran to the telegraph office. And I'm not ashamed to say that I was repeating the Lord's Prayer under my breath the whole time. I mean, it was a solid brick wall, and they just disappeared into it!

I got back to the theatre, and we tried to finish the run-through without Fong, but honestly, we were all more than a bit shaken by the whole thing.

And then we heard a carriage outside. Who should come in the door, but the Cowperthwaites, the Salmalins, and Fong. Fong was unharmed, though exhausted and a bit confused. They all a little unclear about where the found him, how they got him back, and who had taken him. And he said he didn't want to talk about it.

We decided that we all just needed to get a good night's sleep and not worry about the rest of the run through. It's not as if we don't all know our parts. The real purpose of a rehearsal at this point when you're on the road is to get to know the new stage.

Friday, 7 April 1870

Now that was an opening night! Maybe Fong should get kidnapped more often. When we sang "Fate On the Winds" I forgot for a moment that Fong had just ducked off stage and pulled on the dragon mask. When Abbie stabbed Wu in the big fight, I thought it was a real dragon roaring. And Bernadette! The Elderly Dragon has never been more compelling.

The gawks were on their feet screaming for an encore as soon as the curtain call began.

Mitzi and Nigel were both watching from the wings. Mitzi had arrived sometime in the morning before I woke up, responding to the telegram. She, Mrs Salmalin, and Mrs Cuthbert spent half the day under the stage doing something mysterious with candles. I don't want to know.

James (such a lovely boy, and the most capable stage hand I've met in years!) says he attends church every Sunday with his dear old mum. I think I may go with him. Just to be safe.

We had a sold-out house, and Mitzi was saying that Mr Bialystock has been getting requests for us to do some more performances back in London. It is great fun to play Captain Jack, but you don't want to overstay a role. At least we should take a break.

Which we apparently will be. I guess the new play has a dragon, too, though a more charming and friendly one, this time. Nigel wants me to play him. And Abbie will be playing a more usual ingenue.

Sunday, 9 April 1870

I only dozed off once during the service. James' mother seems sweet, though she is suspicious that I'm going to lure him to London. Funny she manages to pronounce the city's name so that it seems to rhyme with both Sodom and Gomorrah. I think she has a very vivid imagination and reads the Illustrated Police News too much.

One very interesting bit of news today: the gawk who harassed Fong, then claimed Fong had never hurt him, was found in the wee small hours of the morning, wandering the street drunk out of his mind, singing "The Emporer of the Sea" and dressed, reportedly, in nothing but his socks. He's apparently been missing since Thursday night, and the leading theory is that he holed up somewhere for a three day tanking. Maybe, but obviously he attending one of the performances, how else did he learn Fong's big song?

Only four more performances (I thought it would be five, but I forgot about Good Friday), and then I'll say good-bye to Captain Jack for a while. Fong is looking forward to growing his hair out, and has told Nigel that he would rather go back to performing full time at the cabaret. I guess Nigel saw this coming, because it turns out he and Mitzi have written a one-act for the cabaret that includes a song called "Empress of the Sea."

Apparently the demand for more of "Molly Sparrow" is strong. Bialystock is talking about mounting a short run in the fall. Though Fong seems to think that Nigel's "The Bachelor Dragon" is going to be a bigger hit that Molly is.

I guess we will find out.

Proceed to Intrigued and Perplexed

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