18.jul.03
i want to go home. I have made such an unbearable fool of myself
today that i feel i must put in my papers of resignation. i do
not know if otto will take me back in. i must think what i shall
do when i am no longer employed. i do not know how many positions
are available to a woman with my skills. a very silly woman at
that.
being out of the country does not agree with me. 3 times today i was rendered unknowing. anything could have happened to me. at least i know that i still have my fighting skills when i know nothing else. i must say that it is very disconcerting to wake at the finish of a fight. i know not who i was fighting or why. all i remember is boarding a boat with the rest of the party. part of me wishes i would learn not to board boats. strange things happen on them. it is not only my fear of water and knowing that i cannot swim. not to mention the possibility of losing various tools on my person if i were to fall into water... part of my fear is that the floor moves so strangely and i cannot balance properly. if i am not balanced, i cannot fight properly. besides. boats are too closed in and have too many places for attackers to hide... anyway i don't remember anything aside getting on the boat until i woke up with my sword in my hand, a woman on the floor, and mr oflayerty standing there looking at the woman. appearantly i saved ms witnels life. i'm glad for that at least.
the 2nd and 3rd periods of forgetfulness were more disturbing. we were at the glassworks. i was with ms sinclair and edward. suddenly i didn't know where we were, who i was with, why i was there, or even who i was. ms sinclare was making introductions and telling me who my friends were. shortly after she had started telling me things, i suddenly forgot everything and she had to start over. it was frightening. i must have been like those people who allow themselves to be hypnotized. we had a hypnotist into the school once as a diversion. i didn't participate because i must always know who i am. if i don't know who i am, how can i be in control? and who knows what would happen if i wasn't in control. i shudder to think of it. but at the glassworks i found myslef talking to lt wooster. wooster of all people! it's one thing to note that he has a well turned leg, but quite another to actually have a converstaion with him. he was trying to convince me he was nice. the nerve! and i was willing to believe him! after regaining my memory, i remembered everything that had taken place while i was forgetfull... i was SO angry! but now that the anger has worn off, i am nothing but humiliated. i haven't been so frightened since otto found me. i could have been convinced to do anything. i am most glad that it was ruth standing next to me and not some horrible person. i shudder to think what would have happened if someone like my mother had found me while in that state. i do not ever want to repeat the experience!
i would leave now and return home, but there are so many uncertainties. our employers would certainly not pay for the return trip, and it would take such a huge sum of my savings. i do not think i could survive the boat ride without the aid of ms witnel and ms cuthbert. and i do not know what i should do when i did return. it is all so vexing. i am glad that i am sitting alone now. no one can see the tears now that my earlier anger has worn off. anger is good for hiding in. it gives me energy and focus if there is a fight and doesn't allow people to see my real feelings.
i don't know wheather to keep this entry in the book or wheather i should rip it out and burn it. i would die of mortification if anyone else were to ever find it and read it.
later
i feel a bit better after my cry. i just wish that others could
leave you alone when all you want is a bit of privacey. at least
i can say i am useful in some small way to the party. why must
everything be so complex? but i am good for something when it
comes to some things. some crazy lady got into the villa today
and chained herself to the pipes. sir cosmo and i got her off
and i got to be the one to dump her out in the lane. i just wish
it made up for all the other things that happened today...
anyway. i have been thinking about my street
girls. i wish i had a way of communicating with them while we
are gone. i'm worried about a couple of them. mary told me last
time i saw her that she had been approached by a couple of strange
men. i hope she doesn't go with them. i'd send a note, but they
can't read at all. at least when i was in london, they knew where
to find me if they were in trouble...mayhap i'll send otto a letter.
i don't know what she could do, but maybe on of the girls at the
school would be willing to stop in and check on them. i'm thinking
about them now because i didn't have time to tell them that i
was leaving. i hope they are all right! i hope our business here
in belgum concludes soon. the sooner i am home in london, the
happier i will be...
Proceed to I like this sword
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