now december
oh bother. back to the boats for the trip back.
calm. i am calm. i am stone. i will continue to be calm. and if i say this enough, maybe it will even come to pass...
***
still more positive non-dying experiences in boats. being out in the ocean is a little frightening. i mean there is the other boat, but mostly it’s just long stretches where you don’t see anything other than the water.
***
mrs samaline asked me to call her victoria today. i should think i would be terrified to call her that where everyone else could hear, but it seemed natural to call her that while we were sitting together today. i also asked her to call me emily. i don’t know why, but she finally feels like a real friend. not just a fellow member of the league or someone i go to find out what to do next. not a teacher, not a student. but someone i can talk to about just things. not since long ago liza have i felt like i could just talk to someone. maybe i can talk to victoria about Him. or maybe not. not yet anyway. i wouldn’t want to ruin a good thing...
having a friend is a warm and squishy feeling.
***
we’ll be getting home soon. not soon enough for me.
***
i finally showed victoria the letters He sent me. we talked about lots of things. what it would mean to marry into a different class. what i wanted out of the matter. what He did and said various times that victoria talked to him about me. what i would be willing to put up with. that victoria thinks He does care for me in his odd, scatterbrained sort of way. but that He and i should probably have a chat about many of these things before we came to an understanding. victoria also offered to help me if i wanted to have that chat. i told her i would have to think about it some more.
before i left her room, victoria reminded me that i have been sitting on the second letter for quite a while now and it would be most unfair to continue to make him wait...
***
december 20
this will quite possibly be one of the most important days of my life. maybe even more important than the day otto picked me up out of the gutter. assuming things go well, i will want to remember this day for the rest of my life. if things don’t go well, there probably won’t be much more to read...
i have thought of nothing but Him since we got back. what i want. i want Him. even all his idiocy and shallowness. there is a good heart under all the stupidity. he means well.
i have been thinking where i am willing to compromse and where to give in.
i have been trying to think of what to say to Him. and what not to say to Him. i think i have come up with a suitable note to start things off. accepting His appology. appologizing for making Him wait so long for my answer. stating as bold as you please that i share His affections. i just finished writing the the note. now, as soon as i can get my nerve up, i shall take it to victoria to see what she thinks of it...
this is way more scary than even too many ninjas on a barge. more frightening, in it’s own way, than forgetting who i am. more upsetting than the thought of losing my job...
i must simply open that door and walk over to victoria’s room. right now. any minute... put down the pen and just go...
-later-
i believe that i am one of the happiest women in the world. He does care for me. He is willing to give up his fear of rabbits and face agatha for me. not all at the same time, of course. i mean he already gave up his fear of rabbits. i won’t even eat the ones he named. i just won’t tell him where the others go. we talked over many things and compromised. he can go out and carouse, but he is to be home by an agreed time. i’ll even go to the bombards sometimes with him. no more giving property and conveyances to other girls, even if he thinks they are in trouble. lots of flowers. hunting parties. time alone when i need it. no more slapping him. oh, so many things. and he’s talking about buying a house in the country. i don’t know about that one, but we shall see.
mrs samaline was so helpful. she liked the wording of my note and asked if i wanted her to take it. i agreed. next thing i knew, He and i were in one of the private parlours. victoria helped with getting past a lot of the akwardness. she also kept us on track, or i don’t know that anything would have been directly discussed.
when all of it was settled, mrs samaline suggested that, as i have no other family and sir cosmo is my employer, perhaps He should go ask him for permission to marry me. Marry. Me. me what started out no better than gutter trash. me what promised myself that there was no man in this world worth falling for. he knows all that and he’s still going to marry me! well assuming he gets permission from sir cosmo. and assuming that agatha doesn’t stop things. and hoping that he still feels this way tomorrow when he’s had a chance to sleep on it. but i’m going to get married!
and the best part is that he said he didn’t mind a small ceremony. maybe even up in scotland without lots of fanfare and such. i think he doesn’t mind because agatha has been planning such a fancy wedding for him all these years.
i can only imagine that he has been talking to sir cosmo while i escaped the excitement to write here. oh, there are so many things i need to do to get ready. so many things i need to learn. i hope victoria will help me out. i’m afraid mrs sinclare will not approve and not be willing to help me. i guess before i do anything, i should go talk to lady copperthwaite. i’m hoping that she’ll approve. i’m also hoping, if nothing else, that i’ll be able to keep my job...
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