October
now i’m more confused than ever. i was working with edward out in the shop when He showed up. He started out by giving me a gift. when i opened it, there was a floppy toy bunny. named fred. fred? who would name a rabbit fred? then He told me an odd story about how He came to be afraid of rabbits. but, something about solace and something else i didn’t understand made Him decide it was time to get over fear of rabbits. He’s the one who has been messing with my hutches. as part of the process, He even named some of them. who names something you’re eventually going to eat? anyway, the whole story was silly, but slightly charming. at least in that anxious puppy dog ‘ready to please’ sort of way. i was ready to forgive him and maybe even talk with Him a bit. too bad He had to bring Her up. He said something about wanting to help her like i help my girls. i almost started to soften up. but then i found out how He wanted to help her. He gave her a vinyard. an actual vinyard! and a carriage! all while thinking about me!
i decided. i do like Him. i believe i like Him more than i care to even admit to myself. that is a positively frightening thought. but how can i let Him get away with giving such expensive gifts to other girls, and in my cause, when He doesn’t give the same to me? it was time to mark him as mine. so i slapped him good and hard. not into last tuesday, maybe, but hard enough to send him several feet. then i stalked off for more archery practice in the back field. fred guarded my arrows. because while i do like Him, i’m still angry at Him!
weapons work is a good place for me to think. otherwise i would be pacing or throwing things. while i could throw things and still count it as weapons work, i was more in the mood to throw things that went crash at the end. and i didn’t want to have to pay for the mess when all was said and done.
i am still divided. part of me is furious at Him. He hints that He likes me, but He won’t come out and say it. am i to be left to wonder forever? but part of me is also smug that i had the guts to actually slap Him silly. and still another part of me is terrified that i actually did something that people would interpret as me claiming him. even if that’s what i meant when i did it. in public, even. well, ok, privately, really. but i know edward was up there somewhere, so everyone would know about it soon enough. it was as good as in public...
i didn’t have very much time to stew about the incident, though. samaline appeared after i had only knocked a few dozen arrows and had me try blindfolded archery. i didn’t even know you could do something like that. i think i did pretty well. i even got in a few very nice shots. until the arrow broke during the draw... that hurt pretty bad. but it did take my mind off Him.
i just got back, especting nothing more than washing up and sneaking some bread for supper. instead i have found a surprise. there is a letter on my dresser. and it looks like it is from Him. what could it possibly be about? why would he be writing me a letter after i slapped him like that?
i wonder what it says. i just can’t open it. i just can’t. of course, it isn’t helping that willamina won’t go away. she just stands outside my door and knocks every 5 minutes asking if i want to talk. and offering cocoa. as if cocoa would help at a time like this. all i want is to be left alone. i don’t think i could stand willamina’s smirking, anyway.
that was a much different letter. first of all, it was much harder to read. is that penmanship? why waste paper on a letter that people aren’t going to be able to read? but that is beside the point. He actually appologized. and about as much said that He cared for me. and that His intentions are Honorable. asking me not to be affronted by his affections....
can i believe Him? did He really write this letter, or did wilamina have something to do with it? I don’t see Him using such big words all on his own. o what to do? what to do? part of me wants to answer Yes! part of me wants to burn it. part of me wants to hide it in my trunks along with all the other things he has given me. and part of me wants to, oh i don’t know what all.
i can’t answer yet. i need time to think. everything is happening too fast.
***
wilamina has been smirking an aweful lot. i want her to leave me alone. i told her that’s the only way i would go to the dance. then i went to mrs samaline and asked her to talk with Him and let Him know that i didn’t want to dance at the party. she did. appearantly, he seemed rather sad and decided not to go to the party after all. that made me feel bad.
i composed a short not-answer to his note by telling him that i was not affronted by his affections but that i needed time to think. i was also sorry that i made him miss the dance. i gave the note to cain. now to think about what to do more...
***
tomorrow we sail for africa. i’m so scared i can’t sleep. every time i’m almost asleep i think of something else and jump up to pace some more. at least He’ll be on the other boat. I won’t have to see him all the time. meditation. that is the answer.
***
another day of positive non-dying experiences on a boat. the meditation is mostly helping. i have only had to ask for the sooth spell a few times. i don’t think i’ll ever like boats, but at least i can go on one now... at least the water has been mostly calm. i don’t like to think about a storm on one of these things...
***
the only good thing about the boat trip is that i have had time to think about Him and what i want. too bad i still don’t know. i shall have to think on it and watch him when we get to africa. mayhap his actions will give me some clue.
***
i have spent quite a bit of time talking with mrs samaline on this trip. she is a very nice person. she has quite a few very funny stories. she is also very sensible. and she is married to samaline who is one of the people i look up to most in this world. samaline has been very patient in helping me along with the meditation. he always has time when i ask a question and never brushes me off. mrs samaline also seems to always have time for me, even when i’m asking silly questions or just want to sit and sew in the company of someone else.
***
made it to africa today. i was never so happy to get onto firm, dry, non-moving land.
***
november
africa is a big place. i have seen mines, big game animals (from very far away, thankfully), lots of frogs, another of His brothers, and natives. there are not much in the way of cities around here. we have spent a great deal of time camping. i have been practicing bow and arrow on moving targets (ie, dinner). i like the thrill of hitting that moving target and killing in the first shot. however, i don’t like the idea of killing the big animals just to later stuff them and hang them on a wall. it seems rather unfair. i have eaten all the animals i killed, and have had mr cuthbert’s taxidermist show me how to prepare the skins for tanning. maybe i’ll make coats or boots or something for some of my girls out of the skins.
i have been watching Him. He has gone carousing a few times, but has seemed to keep things in moderation. He has also been staying (mostly) away from other girls. i see Him looking at me a lot. i feel bad for making him wait so long. there are just so many things to work out...
i’m leaning more towards yes.
Proceed to Warm and squishy
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