september
i just got a letter. i never get letters. most of the people who might possibly send me letters don’t know how to read or write (although i am working on that...). besides. I’ll be seeing them shortly.
it’s from Him. in paris. He sent me a letter. He sent it here to the house. with His name on the outside. the rest of the servants will be giving me looks for the rest of the day. i just know it. i don’t know what’s in it, though, because i haven’t got the guts to open it. i almost tore it up and threw it in the fire. but then i wouldn’t know what was in it. i almost opened it and read it, but what if the contents were unsettling. i have a lesson to teach here shortly. i think i would rather be agitated from not knowing than agitated from being horribly hurt. it will just have to keep until after lessons. even if the thought of it will drive me crazy.
that was a shorter lesson than i orriginally planned. and i’m afraid that i was not nearly as strickt with the girls as i ought to be. but i had a letter that wanted reading! maybe He does care and is going to appologize to me. He has been thinking of me... now i must find out what is in the letter.
oh. my... that is one of the most confusing things i’ve ever read. what do pickles have to do with anything? things are not any clearer than they were. and he talks of the other poor girl without mentioning me. now what to think! i’m also supposed to tell the bombards something, but he doesn’t specify what. that pickles are involved? bother that man. now i’m even more confused than before. writing to me but speaking of Her.
and now, mrs samaline is standing outside my door. i do not want to talk to anyone. she says she’ll be patient. i think i shall ignore her for the present. i believe some more meditation is in order.
***
mrs samaline just left. i finally decided to let her in. i wouldn’t let her see the note. i started out by not really saying much when she asked me how i felt. the trouble is that i don’t know how i feel. part of me is furious at the git. was He leading me on, or does He really care? but part of me doesn’t want to care anymore. that’s the part of me that knows that if we were married he would probably do this again and not even realize he’s hurt my feelings. do i want to put up with that again? it’s hard to tell your heart how to feel. my rational mind knows that it’s a stupid match. but my heart still melts every time i see Him.
mrs samaline did tell me that slapping him into last tuesday would be telling everyone that i care for him. do i want everyone to know that?
besides, he wouldn’t get it. i’d get that puppy ‘what did you do that for’ look that always makes my knees turn to jelly. why such a stupid expression should do that, i’ll never be able to figure out.
but i guess i’m scaring people in the house with my current state, so i’ll have to shut it all up inside. for now anyway. i don’t know if anyone else would understand that i hate Him and love him at the same time...
one other odd thing, mrs samaline said that they care about me. i so wish i could believe that. i so want to ask for advice. more than anything, i want to know how to figure out what i’m really feeling.
meditation time. that’s the only way to deal with things out of your control.
***
i feel at least a little calmer now. hurt still, but calmer.
i have also been thinking on some of the things mrs samaline said. am i willing to put up with Him being foolish for the rest of my life. i mean, i’ve thought about it, but can i? He may do something like this again. not because He means to hurt me, but because He can’t seem to help it. can i live with that? can i live with Him being thoughtless and seemingly uncaring? can i live with Him looking at other women? can i live with Him maybe even giving them gifts? i don’t know. would all those things change if He were truly mine? would my perception about them change? would i be willing to make compromises with Him?
and while i’m thinking about it, would i be happy being an upper class girl? i mean, he is very wealthy. i would suddenly be much more than a mere servant/body guard/assistant governess or whatever it is i am now. it would be nice not to have to worry about where the next meal is coming from or losing my job, but there are all the things in society that i would have to become good at. things that scare me like balls. i’m sure that there are other things, but, i mean, balls! lots of them! and social calls. and penmanship. and i don’t know what all. who would help me learn those things? i’d ask mrs frazer, but she seems violently opposed to the whole matter...
and then there’s His sister. i’ve heard about her. what would happen with her if we were to get together?
mayhap i should talk over things with lady copperthwate. she did all this and seems to have survived.
of course, i still don’t know what He thinks about all of this. none of what i want matters if He isn’t interested. if He doesn’t care. if i’m just another stabby girl in the party. i want to believe different, but what if i’m wrong? i mean, He sent a letter to me, but he only talked about Her!
***
loony came to visit today. he rambles quite a lot . i think he was mostly here to give me a founders day token from the bombards club. what an odd thing... during the conversation, he mentioned he’s engaged. i told him lots of flowers. we also talked a bit about Him. he asked me to find out how the metal masks stay on... i’m not sure i want to know...
***
for some reason, the workouts have changed intensity. they are much more strenuous now. and we have been working more on meditation too. i’m not complaining, mind. i’m glad for the practice. i always feel calmer after working out. besides, with all the fighting we have done recently, i believe i need to hone my skills even more. and, i feel i shall need all the calmness from the meditation when i finally catch up with Him (so far, i have managed to avoid seeing Him).
then there is the fact we are going on a boat trip. not just a ‘short’ jaunt accross the channel. all the way to africa. i feel slightly sick just thinking about it. but i have been practicing my swimming at otto’s. i try to do it when people are not around. i mean i have a reputation to maintain and all. if people think i can swim then who knows what they may try and drag me to do. just because i know how to swim doesn’t mean i like it. but i continue to have positive non dying experiences with water. let’s just hope the swimming lessons and the meditation are enough to help with a long boat ride over lots and lots of realy really deep water.
***
my rabbit hutch has been tampered with. some of the rabbits are in different cages than i put them in. i’m pretty sure that the caretakers who watch over my rabbits while i’m not in residence don’t do much more than feed them and clean out the trays below the hutches. how odd...
Proceed to I am still divided
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