august.
what a horrid evening.
there was some naturalist exibit thing. seems ms frazer has some of her artwork displayed. the whole party went to view it. except edward who was hiding somewhere. willamina came, though, and the household asked me to play governess. i borrowed one of ms frazer's gowns. she has good, sensible, gray gowns. i was not at all uncomfortable in my dress. she also has many good pockets, although none big enough for my sword. had to add a temporary one for the evening. i may have to eventually get me a set like these. i shouldn't be so afraid of ruining them. they are much easier to repair and cheaper to replace if necessary.
ms frazers pictures were very nice. she does lovely work. willamina wanted to see everything. and tell me all about it. it sounded like she was speaking english, but so much of it went just over my head. i decided to tune her out and just watch for danger... i was beginning to feel glazed anyway. musn't let myself get too distracted from my job.
wilamina pulled oflayerty away from talking to a man. oflayerty got very mad when wilamina told him who he was talking to. wilamina told me to keep oflayerty from going back to the man. like i could stop oflayerty. especially since i've been told not to hit anyone unless we are being attacked. somehow, i don't think kicking him in the shins would be acceptible either. finally he calmed down. while oflayerty and wilamina were talking, i think i heard estelle named. it took some work, but i decided to ignore the insult. if i can't hit oflayerty to keep him from getting in trouble, i can't hit him for being insulting. and, no matter how boring or insulting she is, i could never hit a child. not unless she was attacking me, anyway.
blah. blah. blah. wilamina needs someone else to talk to.
gorge came and told wilamina that there was an unconscious body out back. i told gorge that it wasn't wilamina. i've been watching her all night. i was very proud that i didn't say anything more than that. maybe i'm getting the hang of this smile and nod thing... in this case it was more like smirk and nod. ok. i wasn't watching wilamina for a few minutes. ms samaline gave me a get away break. the lemonade and pettyfours were very good. i pocketed a few of the treats to share with my girls.
the everything went more downhill. we discovered that HE and oflayerty and mr cuthbert and some prince went and got themselves in trouble. silly people.
we followed. i stayed out front with wilamina until we heard a fight. willamina wanted me to go in. i insisted that i leave willamina with ms frazer. we went around the back and then i went in through the back door. it took me a few moments to get to the back room where a platform was going up to a hole in the roof. i remember that something came flying toward me. i easily parried it, but the glass container just shattered. i don't know where they came from, but i was suddenly surrounded by men. huge men. scary men. all trying to get me men. i felt like i was 5 all over. i lost it and started fighting them all. then i realized that they were drunk men and nothing i did was going to stop me. they kept coming and coming and my weapons seemed to do nothing to them! they were going to get through and all my training wan't going to be able to save me! just before they reached me, i think i blacked out. i don't know how long i was out, or what happened to me during that time, but i woke up outside to the sound of fire bells. i thought i had been having a flashback nightmare. but i wasn't at home. it took me a few minutes to remember the events. i lost it again. i couldn't help myself. i burst into tears. i don't think those aweful men raped me, but... it's a good thing the fight was over. i don't even want to know how i ended up soaked in alchohol outside a building that, at some point in the recent past, had been on fire but wasn't anymore. and i'm too frightened and embarressed to ask what happened. what if the men were real? someone else had to save me from them. and, maybe worse, what if they weren't real? what if i was hallucinating? maybe i'm going crazy! or, what if i was caught in one of those wild spells again? how do you write yourself a note to help you against magical monsters? my head was just spinning around and around.
ms samaline put her arm around me. i came the closest to totally letting down my guard that i've ever come. only just in time i remembered my promise to my self and just cried without saying anything.
just as i was calming down, HE comes over and asks what happened. and something if i've finally had something to drink. it was all just too much again! ms. samaline shooed him off, but it was too late. i stil don't know why i smell like booze. did someone get me drunk while i was unaware? but it doesn't really matter. now HE's seen me all weak. what will HE think of me now? nothing good i suppose.
i know they won't accept it, but i should try to give notice anyway. i failed my job as body guard. i allowed myself to be taken over and became a burden instead of a help. indeed. what a horrid evening...
Proceed to These people never sleep
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