big news. ms namaste will be presented to none other than the queen herself! how terrifyingly wonderful! i'm glad, however, that it is not me being presented...

it is good to get back to london. maybe things will be normal again. i've almost forgotton what normal is. my girls have sorely missed me. it will take a while before the word gets around that i should be here for a while. pat and nell and sal have always been the stalwart ones. they are the ones who are always here and wanting to learn. i'm even showing them how to read some. they are the ones i should bring to ottos notice. the rest come now and again, as much for the food as for the lessoning.

oh, and i shared my easter chocolate with my girls. it is one of the best things i have ever eaten. a small part of me wanted to horde the rest of the chocolate for, well, ever, really. but i shared it anyway.

mrs frazers paper was finally published. there was a celebration party over at cuthberts.

the girls have been babbling something about the paperboys. now that is a job i would not want. out all hours in the freezing and burning for a few pennys. now it seems that the paperboys are striking. good for them. i hope all goes smoothly for them!

may.
wilemeena started at ottos. she'll only be going for a half day, once a week. it was good to get back to my classes there. jenna and her helpers have been doing a good job with the class. but they were kind of slacking. i reminded them all what they should be doing in class the first day. i think i'll start working individually with more of the advanced girls so that jenna has more helpers. it was good to be back in such familiar grounds.

went to crystal palace. what a marvelous place! there were many things to see and do. i felt all posh being there... i did, however, find that there are days when it is very cheap to get in and see all the sights. i decided to take my 3 girls there to see some of the wonderful things. they enjoyed it as much as i did! someone was telling me that the museum also has a very cheap day for non-subscribers. mayhap we should explore there as well!

at school today, several of the girls were all giggly. knowing that all weapons work would be sloppy until i figured out what was up, i asked. curse those stupid penny dreadfuls! imagine their syrupy voices cooing 'have you read the new atlas novel? he's in love with lady estel. he's so dreamy. don't you live in the same household with atlas oflayerty? what's he really like...' blah, blah, blah. he's nice enough even if he does go get into all kinds of trouble. of course, we have been a help to each other. and he did call me 'that stabby girl' that one time... i decided i better find out what all this story ruckus was about before next class...

i never. how could anyone write so much drivel? and they don't even get it right! atlas wasn't even THERE. HE was there. fighting that aweful count so marvelously. even if he did pull me into a broom closet. it was to save my life, after all. it made me so mad. i wanted to go stab something. so i went out and worked out for a while. i'm afraid i took it out on the back area a bit harder than i meant to. i'm sure it will all grow back. and that nothing was irreplaceable. however, i must not have worked out hard enough. on the way back in, atlas was in the sitting room. without saying anything, i smacked his arm with the stupid book. then i dropped it and stormed out. budding romance with atlas indeed.... he better not get any ideas...

june.
now i've gone and done it. gotten myself a reprimand. or something. from ms samaline this time. about how to deal with frustrations. that i can't just go hitting people. i didn't hit him that hard. and i worked out most of the anger first. like i could go to graves with unwanted attention. and while tattvik is a lovely person (and someone i can sometimes even talk to), i... well i don't know what. i guess i just can't hit anyone or anything unless we are being attacked. or we are at lessons, i hope... and then there was the talk about men again. but this time asking if i was capable of keeping my end of the deal. i guess i do get a bit carried away when i get angry. she never said HIS name, but i know that is who she was talking about. she said that she would hate for me to have the guilt of accidentally skewering a possible love just because he does something stupid. and, while i can't stop thinking about him, HE does seem to be kind of flaky. the kind that wouldn't intend to do harm, but might do stupid things that make me mad when i wasn't with him. i suppose she's right. i wouldn't want to seriously injure him when he had no clue he was doing anything wrong. besides. he hasn't really shown interest anyway. what is there to intrest him but the fact that i'm female anyway? but it's one thing to know that with your thinking brain and quite another to get it through to your heart. i don't even know what i really want. excpect not what my mother was. i guess i keep trying to wait and see and, in the mean time, try and curb my temper.

it doesn't help that i don't know what i am anymore. a gutter snipe brought out of the gutter and turned into a teacher at a progressive ladies school. a weapons teacher at that. then uprooted again and turned into a—i don't know what. i'm not really a servant. or rather i'm sort of a servant. but what kind of a servant has a ball gown and is expected to sometimes attend balls? what kind of servant is expected to sometimes eat with the household. and sometimes even at dinner parties? i'm not exactly a ladies maid. i'm more of a body guard sort of dressing as a ladies maid sometimes except when i'm a childs guard. i'm nether fish nor fowl. i was a brides maid to a lady who also used to be nothing more than a lab assistant, and i'm friendly with a woman who used to be society and is now married to a servant but still seems to be part of the household. this household has so many mixups that i don't know which way is up or down. but i guess i'm expected to take troubles to the servants, not the household. which really makes me more of a servant i guess.

i know i can't complain too much. there are times i really like this crazy mixed up house. i like being able to have conversations with ms namaste and feeling like i am important to those above stairs. but then, just as i think i have things figured out, something happens and i no longer really know my place. i should remember that the next time that HE is making my head spin. how much more out of place would i feel married to HIM? (assuming he could marry me of course. or that i'd let him.) life was so much easier as a simple teacher over at ottos. yes, i would have missed out on many strange and often wonderful things. yes, there are many great fights i would not have under my belt. but at ottos, i knew who i was and what i was supposed to do. now, even when i go back, it isn't the same... what's a girl to do? it really wouldn't be fair to give notice. and i'd be crazy to give notice. this is the best position i have ever had. what else am i suited for? i can't exactly go back to the street. i don't exactly fit in at ottos anymore. i don't fit in anywhere. i wish i had someone i could really talk to. i tried talking things over with nell, but she can't even begin to comprehend what it's like here. she just looks at me like i'm crazy. maybe i am crazy. didn't mother once mention that her sister went to the assylum for a while? no that would have been the poor house. which is enough to make people crazy all by itself... no. i don't ever want to have to go there.

i seem to get in the most trouble when i interact with the others in the group. i suppose for now i'll just have to go back to hiding. well, not really hiding since i have duties. but maybe if i'm really quiet and don't say anything anymore people will forget i'm there. i'll just have to try and curb the temper. i'll pretend it's a particularly fractious girl trying to get me mad. you can't give in because then they just get worse... this is going to be hard...

i think my plan is working. if i don't say anything and just hold really still (when I can anyway), people tend not to notice me. it's hard. i miss, well, a lot of things. but i'm not going to dwll on it. i'm going to keep busy and keep out of the way.

july.

sadness. the bill in the parliament to help mothers and babies didn't pass. i wish i could go knock a few heads together, but that would be breaking my no violence rule. this whole keeping my temper thing is harder than i thought.

while edward was at ottos today, i asked the swimming teacher to help me get over my fear of the water. maybe if i know how to swim a bit, it wouldn't be so nervous in boats. there has been a lot of talk about the house of things over on the continent. and america. i'm sure i should be quite paralized if we had to go to america right now. maybe i just need some controlled, positive, non-dying experiences with water... we'll see... maybe i'll even work up to boats later... i just don't want anyone in the house to notice. they might laugh at me for all my stubborness before about learning to swim and not going in the undewater namaste and all...

temper, temper, don't show the temper. don't talk to anyone unless spoken to first. don't ruffle their feathers and they won't say something that will make you really want to ruffle their feathers. spend more free time down with the girls. spend more time helping edward with things that don't need talking about. pull away from the possible friendships that may have been forming. don't interact and you won't get in trouble. hide all the little things that were in your shrine area. the ballgowns in the closet, the trinkets in a chest at the foot of the bed (except the frog. it's going on the table next to my bed), the bigger stuff, well, wherever it can be hidden. don't let them know how much all of it means to you. and not just because it's valuable. make friends with the cats and dogs because they don't want anything more out of you than some table scraps and petting. friendships with people only get you in trouble. it should all be so much more simple when you are just one of the servants—out of mind but still in plain sight and ready to save the day if need be.

how come it never really works that way?

Proceed to Horrid evening

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