(This page was ripped out of another book, crumpled, almost thrown into the fire, carefully smoothed, and folded. It now resides under a small, delicate carving of a frog.)
i'm all in a dither. i can't sleep, so i'm going to write more things down. i would really feel better talking, but... first, mary. poor mary. such a good friend. lost so young. i've searched so long for you. first you lose your baby to that horrible baby farmer. then you have the misery of a murder on your soul. and then, somehow, you take your poor little life. you had no way of knowing that there were some of us willing to help you. willing to believe in you... oh that i hadn't been overseas. i knew i could have done something if i had only been here. it would be so much simpler if i could go get drunk and forget. but i can't. even if drink didn't make me ill, i never want to be like so many that i've seen.
anyway, mary, rest in peace. i swear i'll see that your little brother is safe. we already have a safe place for him.
mary, i wish you were here to talk to. do you remember anna? she was part of our gang before otto pulled me out of that gutter. anna was so bright. so pretty. kind of like you, mary. i wish she had not run afoul of those toughs down by the bridge. it was that day that i swore i would do my best to help as many as i could with the training i was lucky enough to get. you helped me. you were one of the first of my students. you learned what i knew and helped teach the others. what happened? what made you drop your training and give in to that man? were you willing? did he promise to mary you? did you think you were in love? was it worth it? was it fun?
i wish i had been able to ask you these questions. i'm slowly becoming obscessed. with a man. it is very distressing. even if he wasn't an idiot, just the thought of the possibility of falling in love makes me ill. besides, i'm so far below his station that this man could never offer me marrage. i could never accept anything else. but on the other side, if he were able to marry me, he's rich. i would never have to worry about where my next meal is going to come from. but...
and sometimes i think he might even notice me. he has given me gifts, you know. of course, i don't know if they are gifted because he can or because he cares. what do i do if he doesn't care? worse, what do i do if he does?
mary, what do you do when you can't stop thinking about someone? what do you do when you find out that someone you thought was a horrid man turns out to be, well, nice? what do you do when you find yourself falling in love despite your best attempts? mary, what do i do?
i suppose i wait and see. whatever happens will happen... oh, and i guess i shall start getting my drinking water elsewhere!
Proceed to Pretty pathetic
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