ttravel is dangerous. if i never have to travel again, it will be too soon... walking is bad enough. you can get mugged, attacked, or assaulted on foot. lucky for me, i can generally defend against those. and if anyone actually tries it, they most likely won't be able to try it again. but how does one defend against things getting dropped from windows or rooftops? or pigeon droppings! silly birds...and then there's the whole tripping and falling down the stairs thing. i'll never live that one down.
carriages. i used to think carriages were a fairly safe way to go. if you don't want them to, people can't see who is in the carriage. so you are less likely to get attacked or robbed. but, you can get trapped in embarresing conversation if you don't travel alone. i wanted to hide in the corner and die rather than listen to miss namasty have that awful conversation with her brother... but even if you don't have to endure other's coversation, there is always the possibility of the horses spooking, wheels coming off, fairy bad guys pulling you out through the walls, or falling off a cliff road and ending up splatted all over the chasm floor. not fun ways of dying. just ask ms witnell. she almost died of a fairy bad guy.
clockwork carriages are worse. i've seen the gears in those things. what if something were to get stuck in the gears? what if it were to break while you were riding in it? what if the noise spooked someone elses horses and caused them to crash into you? and how do you control it when you are going so fast?
trains. i had never been on a train until i joined with this group. never had the need to go anywhere by train. never really left london. but what could go wrong with a train? they have tracks that they have to stay on. they go too fast for robbers. no horses to spook. wheels are bolted on. well, i've learned that they aren't nearly as safe as i thought. bridges can be destroyed before a driver knows it (causing the train to go over the edge and everyone to die). train cars can jump the rails and cause lots of injury. gods can posses and kidnap you. fairy bad guys can infiltrate (even though the walls are made of iron?). edward thinks it's fun to run around on the top while it's moving. stoopid people who don't understand what is going on can cause half your party to fall asleep, uncouple the cars, and try to steal artifacts that you are supposed to be guarding. After stopping the stoopid people, dr wilson gets the bright idea to use rockets to get the train back together. ok. so it worked, but what if the rocket had blown up the train with our party on it? yeesh!
boats. don't even get me started on boats. i hate the fact that only a bit of wood, or, even worse, metal is the only thing between me and drowning. i still don't understand why the metal boats just don't sink outright. edward says it has something to do with the air inside the boat. but i don't believe it. if the boat was going to sink, the air would just rush right out and not stop the water. air always wants to get away from water. anyway, i suppose i should learn to swim, but why did i ever need to swim? i never was near a body of water bigger than a teapot! ok. so i was near a bathtub too, but you can't drown in a bathtub. or so otto assured me... but what if something happens to the boat? what if a cannon ball doesn't shoot right? it could land in the bottom of your boat and put a hole in it! then all the water would rush in and you would drown! or kid rocket could shoot one of his blasted rockets and set fire to the boat. then you would be burning while you drowned. or a wave could sneak over the side of the boat, sweep you away, and then you'd drown. or you could get knocked off the side in a fight and drown. i mean, what would have happened if i had fallen down the stairs on a boat? there is a very good chance i could have not stopped at the bottom of the stairs and just fallen off the boat!
magic flying chariots. as i look back on riding one, i wonder how i could have actually enjoyed it. i suppose part of it was that if i closed my eyes, i couldn't tell how fast we were moving. it was a very gentle ride after all. and fast too. too bad we can't travel that way all the time. then we wouldn't have to worry about stoopid people attacking us while we travel. i suppose the magic animals drawing the chariot could still spook, but whoever heard of magic animals spooking? the worst that i can see is the magic stopping mid-flight. that would be bad. maybe then the magic animals would spook. or dissapear. or something. and then what would keep the chariot from crashing?
hot air balloons. just don't. you can't really control where you are going. what if you were to run into something sharp (like a tree or a bird) and rip your balloon? or the lifting gas in your balloon could explode. you'd fall and probably die! and if people try to fire rockets at you, you can't get away. or any number of other things, and you would fall and die. and your friends have to leave on a stupid boat to come rescue you.
airofrigates. this is the worst yet. it combines
everything bad about a boat with a hot air balloon. again, only
the wood or metal is between you and a very long fall with either
a big splat or a big splash at the end. and it's held up by big
balloons. if you have to fight someone, who's to say that they
won't hit your balloon? so many horrible things could happen.
kid rocket could be involved, and not only would you fall to your
death, but you would be burning up as you did so. and what if
you were flying over water at the time? you would fall to your
death and then drown! i can't even bear to think of it. i had
to go up in one once--i was fair shaking for dread the entire
time i was up there. i'd rather hide under the bed than have to
go up in one again. i'm terribly glad they wouldn't let edward
ride an omni orni airie bird machine thing.
bird machine thing. this one isn't even held up by a balloon. it's held up by a machine. what happenes if the machine breaks while you are up in the air? hmmm? you couldn't pay me enough to get in one.
it's amazing that anyone gets anything at all
done. it's a wonder that poeple don't just stay home for fear
of all the truly horrible things that can go wrong while out and
about. i shall stop thinking about all of this now and go back
to my practice work. i don't think i can sleep after all the excitement
anyway... i just hope that all goes well in berlin so we can go
home.
Proceed to What a whirlwind
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