"What it's about"
One time when I happened to mention that we
had recently been shopping for a wedding present, a person I was only
marginally acquainted with launched into a rant about how his straight
friends were always pestering him to attend weddings, baby showers, and
assorted other things where one was expected to bring a present, but he
couldn't even get them to buy a pair of tickets to a gay chorus
concert--let alone get any recognition for his relationship. One of the
other people in the room asked if the ranter and his partner had held a
commitment ceremony to which they had invited these friends. "You can't
expect people to read your mind. How do they know you consider this a
milestone in your life if you don't treat it as one?"
I was reminded of that conversation when I heard the tired old chestnut
trotted out yet again regarding marriage equality: "I don't care what
they do in the privacy of their own homes, but why do they insist on
societal recognition?"
There are thousands of answers to that question. I could tell the story
of the landlord who was all ready to rent a two room apartment to Ray
and I right up until his wife finally figured out we were a couple. One
needs to be able to obtain a home before one can do anything in it,
private or not. I could point to the thousands of hours of television
programs and movies that center around a straight couple getting
together. I could point to all those legal and tax benefits provided to
straight married couples. I could talk about the inequities in access
to health insurance or the tax penalties same-sex couples suffer when
they can get insurance. I could mention once more people prominently
displaying photos of their spouses and children in the workplace or
expecting co-workers to support school fundraisers. Then there are
those weddings, bridal showers, and baby showers.
Except that leads people to frame the issue as a false dichotomy, where
the only way to give recognition to one type of person or relationship
is to take something away from others. That's looking at the
consequences, not the cause. Taxes, presents, and all that are like the
leaves on the outlying branches of a tree. In order to answer
the question about why we want societal recognition, we have to go back
to the roots.
The question contains a false premise. Saying that it's about what we
do "in privacy" implies that it's all about sexual behavior. What it's
actually about is love and respect. Mindless lust isn't what kept that
pair of white haired ladies who were the first to be legally married in
California last week together for fifty-some years of a committed
relationship--it was love. And after more than fifty years of living
and
loving together, it isn't aknowldegement they're asking for--it's
respect.
I happen to think my hubby is cute and sexy--but that's not why we're
together. Before I met him I dated plenty of cute and sexy guys. I fell
in love with Michael. He's the one who can make me smile just by the
way he picks up a book. He's the one I can sit around with talking
about nothing for hours. Or not talking at all but we both feel
completely comfortable. We finish each other's sentences. I get an idea
and he was just thinking it. We think we disagree about something, but
when we talk about it, quickly discover that on the important parts we
already agreed, or we find ourselves both becoming convinced the other
person is more right about it than we are. I do something stupid or
foolish, but instead of irritating him, it makes him laugh.
We fit together emotionally, mentally, and (some would say)
spiritually.
I look at all the ways our temperaments, habits, and inclinations mesh
together like the gears in fine watch, and wonder sometimes how I even
existed without him. While I know that we are both capable adults who
could each survive on our own, I choose to live with the person I love.
I shouldn't have to justify that choice.
When responsible, self-supporting, law-abiding, consenting adults
decide to put their lives together, to pool their resources and become
a family, it shouldn't be put up to a vote of the rest of the
community. When such adults announce that decision to family, friends,
and neighbors, it should be accepted regardless of the gender, race, or
religion. To people outside the relationship, those things should be as
irrelevant as the person's hair color or favorite food.
In an uncertain world, full of so many dangers and pitfalls, the only
reaction to somebody finding love ought to be rejoicing.
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may tread me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise."
--Maya Angelou
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