Sans Fig Leaf
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"The nature of naughty"
24 April, 2008
I can't count the number of times I've heard the following exchange: "How dare you judge me! There's nothing wrong with [fill in the blank]!"
"I never said [fill in the blank] was wrong. I said it was inappropriate here and now."
A lot of people have trouble understanding that the dividing lines between right/wrong, true/false, nice/naughty, or appropriate/inappropriate are not always the same thing. It may be true, for example, that a close friend suffered a humiliation recently, but it is not appropriate to announce it to all her friends and family at her birthday party. Or, it might be true that a particular acquaintence committed several crimes and caused several people misery, but it would be wrong at his funeral to tell his grieving mother that he was a rotten criminal and the world is a better place without him.
The dividing lines change depending on context. While it is inappropriate to talk about a friend's humiliation in a public venue, it's perfectly appropriate in private to let said friend cry on your shoulder while you offer words of sympathy or say that the other person is a dirty rotten scoundrel who deserves something horrible to happen to them.
Learning where all these boundaries are is a complicated process. At an early age we're usually taught some simplified rules to steer us clear of the worst situations. As we grow and mature we're expected to deduce the finer points. Unfortunately, it's easy to get hung up on those finer points. Some people never grow out of the stage of thinking of certain things as naughty: the rule is a rule, and must never be violated under any circumstance. For instance, a girl taught that it is wrong, wrong, wrong to talk to boys (and I've met parents who have done this), will have great difficulty forming healthy relationships of any kind with men, if she can't learn to move that boundary.
Pushing boundaries is part of exploring our world. We seem to be hardwired for it and take pleasure in discovery. Stepping over the boundary leads sometimes to bad consequences, and other times to good ones. When the process works right, we learn that what we thought was a monolithic, straight, unwavering wall, is actually a meandering fence, with the occasional gate or gap.
Unfortunately, just as the person who never explores a boundary has problems getting along in life, so does the person who stops respecting boundaries. A person encountering the joys of pushing a boundary may become obsessed with violating all boundaries. Since some things they were told were naughty turn out, on further investigation, to be fun, they conclude that all limits are artificial and unnecessary. Life becomes a mad dash of looking for new fences to hop over. Eventually they have offended, embarassed, or severely inconvenienced just about everyone they know and find themselves friendless and alone.
It's easy to think of these boundaries in terms of morality. We imagine the person who is pushing boundaries being involved of all sorts of decadent, wicked things. It could be argued that using the term "naughty" exacerbates this. One of the principle definitions of naughty is "lacking propriety." In other words, not recognizing that line between appropriate and inappropriate behaviour.
Societal limits cover the full gamut of human activity. Understanding that you shouldn't share something a friend told you in confidence is respecting a boundary. Recognizing that most people are uncomfortable being hugged by a stranger is respecting a boundary. Realizing you should ask before borrowing someone else's stuff is respecting a boundary. Allowing someone to hold a different opinion than yours is respecting a boundary.
Not everyone will be comfortable with the same boundaries we are. Not everyone who violates our boundaries is doing so out of ill-intent or thoughtlessness. If someone persists in violating our boundaries, even after we've made our discomfort known and asked them to stop, that's a different situation. Similarly, not everyone who asserts their own boundaries are doing so to try to limit us.
As with so many things in
life, it comes down to striking a balance.
It's wise to learn how to avoid hurting (emotionally or otherwise)
one's friends and neighbors, but not to do so to our own detriment.
It's equally important to learn how to roll with the punches, but not
let ourselves become a doormat.
Everyone takes the limits of his own vision for the limits of the world.
--Arthur Schopenhauer
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