Sans Fig Leaf
w
"Who you are"
23 August, 2007
I was talking to my mother when suddenly the conversation took a strange turn. She needed to tell me, she said, that she was proud of me, that she loved me, that she has never been ashamed of me. She had to repeat that last bit several times.
It was a just a bit embarassing, not because she was being all mushy, but because it has never occured to me that my mom would be ashamed of me. She's never said or done anything that made me think she felt that way. Didn't approve of some things I have done, yes. Convinced I was risking the flames of hell by being gay, yes. But ashamed? Never.
I had a good guess as to why this had suddenly come up. Earlier in the conversation she mentioned that she had recently been talking with some people that I don't have as regular contact with as she does--who have taken no pains to hide the fact that they disapprove of my life. I know that some of them are ashamed of me. And that's their choice. They have to be true to their feelings and values. So I can understand their feelings, even if I think that "love thy neighbor" and "judge not, lest ye be judged" ought to guide them to acceptance, rather than condemnation.
It isn't as if I am a daily part of their lives, anyway.
The sad irony is that they are among the people who taught me to stand up for myself, to think for myself, and never let my fear of what other people might think of me dictate who I am. Please note that I never said that anyone should completely disregard the feelings of other people. There is no reason to go out of your way to hurt someone's feelings. If you can be true to your values without hurting someone or embarassing them, by all means do so. Just don't let the fear of losing their esteem prevent you from being who you are.
I've noticed some people have a hard time understanding the connection between who they are and how they treat others. I can't count the number of people I've known who have justified all kinds of rude and cruel actions as "That's who I am. If you don't like it, that's your problem."
They've bought into the
myth that being true to yourself trumps everything. Which just a
variant of the notion that if someone acts out of sincere faith, those
actions are above reproach.
Who you are is more than
your actions, it's also your motives for those actions. If your motive
is to disregard someone's feelings just to do what you want or to get a
laugh from someone else, than the "who" you are is a jerk.
Similarly, if our motive is that we are absolutely certain that our values or opinions are right, and that the feelings, well-being, or even life of anyone that disagrees is less important than our own, then the word 'jerk' doesn't even begin to describe us.
--Penn Jilette
.