Sans Fig Leaf
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"Making excuses"
14 June, 2007
Imagine the following scene at the beginning of a play or movie: a group of people are chatting at a party or other social setting. A man and woman enter the room. One of the chatting people, we'll call her Susan, recognizes the man and walks over. "John," she says, "I haven't seen you in years!"
"It's been too long," John answers. "I don't think you've met my wife." He turns to the woman who entered with him. "Michelle, this is Susan, an old family friend. Susan, this is my wife, Michelle."
Pleasantries are exchanged. A moment later Susan begins to introduce John to other people at the party. "This my very, very dear friend John," she says. Then, as if an afterthought, she indicates John's wife and says, "Oh, yes, and this is one of John's little friends, Michelle."
Most people witnessing such a scene would conclude from this that Susan is going to be the villain of the piece. After all, how incredibly rude is it to delegate someone's spouse to the category of friend? Especially to use the term, "one of his little friends."
Now imagine how you, as an audience member, would classify other characters in the scene who are heard to say, "Why did he bring her here?" "We aren't expected to be polite to her, are we?"
You might wonder if there is some sort of history between Michelle and the other characters, but I don't think anyone would classify the behavior as anything other than rude and disrespectful. Yet that is precisely the way a rather large number of people react when I introduce them to the man I've committed to spend the rest of my life with. And the sad thing is, an even larger number of people think there's nothing wrong with such a reaction.
Some people argue that it's not rude because the person was brought up to think of those sorts of relationships as wrong. Or it's not rudeness, per se, it's just awkwardness at an unexpected situation. Or, if they were expecting it, they're awkward because they've never been told how they ought to react in such a situation.
I'm not saying that someone is a horrible person just because they use a different term than I use when describing our relationship. My mom, for instance, introduces us to people as, "This is my son, Gene, and this is my other son, Michael." Heck, within the lesbian and gay community there are still arguments about whether you should refer to each other as partner, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, lover, et cetera and ad nauseum.
What I am saying is that a lot of people are behaving in the "We aren't expected to be polite to her, are we?" mode, while trying to pass it off as "…and this is my other son." And other folks are making excuses for them, as if there is no difference.
But there is a difference.
My mom's approach does reflect the fact that she isn't entirely comfortable with my orientation. It also communicates her acceptance of my husband as a member of the family. In other words, she may not approve of all the decisions I've made in my life--and she doesn't agree that sexual orientation is a fundamental part of who I am--but she recognizes that it's my life to live, and they're my decisions to make. It also communicates that she's accepted him for himself. Not just that he's the guy I love, but he's someone she cares for and respects in his own right.
I should also point out that shortly after the first time Mom introduced us that way, she anxiously asked each of us if it was okay. I remember specifically her saying, "I hope I didn't offend you. It's just what came out of my mouth. I didn't even think before I said it."
The other kinds of the reactions ("This is Gene's, uh, friend" and the like) communicate a dismissal of at least the relationship. Not just disapproval of our choices, but also a refusal to recognize the basic worth of one or both of us.
Do I wish my mom was comfortable saying, "This is my son, Gene, and his husband, Michael?" Of course I do. Her response is better than some of the other possibilities, but it isn't perfect. However, I continue to hold out hope that one day she will be comfortable saying that.
Just as I look forward to the day when people don't make excuses for other people's bigoted reactions--and when those bigoted reactions will be seen to be as ridiculous as the notion of a flat earth. Some think I'm crazy to expect that day to arrive in my lifetime. To which I say, o ye of little faith.
--Robert H. Goddard
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