Sans Fig Leaf
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"Meant to be?"
26 April, 2007
She hadn't been married a year, yet she was already lamenting the death of her marriage. "I was so sure we were meant to be together! How could I be so wrong?"
Honestly, I was somewhat surprised they had made it to the wedding day. Both of them were obviously not ready for marriage. It was worse than that: neither of them had the requisite communication skills, empathy, or problem-solving skills to maintain a serious friendship with anyone, let alone each other. Their relationship thus far had been held together by a combination of desperate fear of loneliness and a complimentary set of personality dysfunctions.
But at that precise moment, none of that mattered. Because the way she had phrased her lament had given me an epiphany: "We were meant to be together."
Meant by whom? "Meant" signifies that something is the result of a purpose or plan. A plan requires a planner. In other words, she thought some external force (destiny, god, or maybe Sammy the Supreme Being) intended the two of them to meet and spend the rest of their lives together.
Such a sentiment is far from uncommon, but I hadn't before considered the implications of someone who holds too firmly to the concept. Such a person may very well assume that this external force will work to keep them together. Not just encourage them to stay together, but change them so that they never parted.
Any incompatibilities that she may have noticed early on in the relationship weren't necessarily being ignored. They were being excused because she thought they weren't permanent. He would change, and if he didn't change on his own, well destiny or god or Sammy the Supreme Being would change him for her. Because, you know, they were meant to be together.
I probably should have been more sympathetic than I was. No one is perfect, and I have certainly made mistakes in relationships in my life. Some of those mistakes involved me overlooking things that I now realize should have been enormous warning signs. And the other person in the relationship was just as surely overlooking the ways in which I was incompatible with them.
When I tried to explain that, one time, to another acquaintance who was having some relationship problems, she told me that I didn't count, because Michael and I had been lucky enough to find our perfect match. I've never been shy about telling anyone about my beloved's many admirable qualities, but we haven't stayed together and blissfully happy about being together for over nine years because we were perfectly matched the moment we met. Neither has some external force that "meant" for us to be together molded us to be a perfect fit after we met.
A relationship isn't an object one can acquire and own unchanging like a marble sculpture in a glass display case. It's a dynamic entity of its own, requiring care, feeding, cleaning. It can die from neglect. It needs room to grow, because it will change over time as each person in it changes.
Even if you do tend and care for it properly, sometimes a particular relationship is not the one for you. The person may be right for you, but you aren't right for them. Or maybe you are both perfect for each other--as very good friends.
Michael and I are together not because we were meant (past tense) to be, but because we mean (present tense) to be. It's a decision we each make every single day to continue to love each other, to accommodate each other, and to accept and appreciate our differences as well as our similarities.
--William A. Foster
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