Sans Fig Leaf
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"Expressing, acting, or enacting"
8 March, 2007
Jane wasn't really my friend, but we had several friends in common. We had both been involved in some of the same hobby projects, but had never grown close. One day she asked me why I always seemed distant and guarded around her. First I denied it: "I hadn't realized I was coming across that way. I'm so sorry I gave that impression."
But she was unconvinced. She brought it up a few more times. Eventually, I explained some of my reasons, and she rather angrily asked, "So you can only be friends with people who agree with you about everything? That's very narrow-minded!"
I tried to explain that it wasn't the disagreements. It was much more than that.
She was very opinionated, She distrusted people who believed in religion--any religion. She thought all believers were superstitious, foolish, and delusional--at the very least. She wouldn't come out and say that to them, but her criticism of any stories they wrote or any comments they made were couched in terms like "hysterics," "sentimental," or "naive." An argument could be put forward that was perfectly logical and ordered by someone she thought of as a believer, and she would ridicule it, rail against its absurdities, or refer to it as "sloppy thinking."
But if one of the people Jane admired happened to stick up for the argument being ridiculed, suddenly Jane's tone and attitude changed completely. The person didn't even have to explain things in a different way, or bring in new facts. A person Jane admired agreed with it, and that changed everything.
Jane often told stories about the strange and incompetent people she had encountered. These folks were usually of a different ethnic group or religion than she. No matter how unrelated to the events in the story, she would mention this identification several times during the tale: "...and then the Mexican gal said..." or "...there she was, crying her Catholic eyes out."
She also made jokes about bisexual and gay people. Once she realized how many of her acquaintances weren't straight, she started adding the disclaimor, "Present company excepted, of course."
Of course she had the right to dislike some people and like others. Just as she had the right to dislike or like any story, movie, or band she pleased. It wasn't that she disliked some people I liked, and vice versa. It was her reasons for disliking them--and the fact that she thought it was okay to treat them like dirt.
In those cases it wasn't just the opinion, it was how she acted on the opinions. If she had kept more of it to herself, refrained from the catty comments, and so on, most of us would have never known nor cared.
It's also about the degree of the opinion. Not liking someone is one thing, thinking that they are completely worthless is another. Wishing you didn't have to listen to someone prattle on is very different from being delighted when something bad happens to them.
And if you take actions that make bad things happen, that's even worse.
This was all brought to mind by a conversation recently where a person was arguing that I shouldn't hold it against them that they had voted for an anti-gay ballot measure in their home state. "I'm entitled to my political and moral opinions," they said.
Yes, but I'm entitled to be miffed when the opinion they are promoting harms me. I'm entitled to hold it against them when they deprive me of financial, legal, and medical protections they take for granted. I'm entitled to resent my tax dollars helping to pay for some of those financial and legal protections from which I am barred (please note that I said "barred"; I'm perfectly willing to be taxed for services I don't currently need and hope never to need, on the principle that they will be given to those who do need them).
I'm not being narrow-minded if I decline to embrace someone who is, even indirectly, causing me harm. Conversely, "nothing personal" or "present company excepted" doesn't negate the harm in any way. Nor does it excuse them from one iota of the blame.
bad reasons.
--The Lady of the Manners
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