Sans Fig Leaf
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"Friend, foe, or…"
22 February, 2007
Lessons learned early in life can be so deeply ingrained in our psyche, that we aren't aware of them. We simply behave as if they are always true. Although behave might be too strong a word. Those early lessons become filters, making it harder for us to perceive anything that contradicts the lesson. They also become molds, shaping our emotional reaction to certain situations before they even occur.
Some of those deep-seated lessons can even work at cross purposes. Which can be, as one of my friends likes to say, "Crazy making!"
For example, at a very early age I came to believe that everyone around me knew everything I knew. If I discovered it, they already had. Stated that way, this may seem like a trivial observation. Small children don't know very much about the world at all--which is why they ask those sometimes maddening questions of every adult they interact with: why is there air, or similar things.
But for me it was more than that. I assume that a few too many times when my abusive parent was in a bad mood I tried to explain something I had learned that day, and was told in a forceful manner everyone knew that already, I should stop babbling, and so forth. Certainly when I was older I remember plenty of similar conversations happening between him and other people.
The upshot is that I am virtually always sincerely shocked when I learn that someone doesn't know something I do. Intellectually I am well aware than none of us can know everything, and that all of us run into people who know things that we don't and vice versa. But on that level so deeply ingrained it is indistinguishable from instinct, I am always surprised.
And the better I know the person (or more likely, the more I like the person), the stronger the feeling of surprise and dismay is.
On the other hand, at some other point in my childhood I apparently discovered that explaining something to someone else, so that when I'm finished they have learned something they had not known before, is a really fun thing to do. It just feels really good to impart a bit of knowledge, no matter how small or esoteric.
Both of those things go on in my head all the time. I am constantly surprised when others don't know something I do, and I am just as constantly looking for opportunities to share any knowledge I can.
I'm sure these traits drive people around me crazy.
Being as deeply ingrained as they seem to be, I can't really stop either tendency. I can repress them temporarily, but that just means they're liable to spill out even worse some other time.
Everyone has some tendencies like these. Things that we can't help feeling or thinking in certain circumstances. Some of them are more passive or less noticable than others, but they are there, just the same.
They can be very aggravating, but rather than trying to change other people, when we notice these things, we should probably stop and look at ourselves. Why does it bother us? Is it really so aggravating that we can't be friends with the person? Do we have issues of our own that are equally irritating to them? Does the irritation outweigh positive aspects of the relationship?
And the biggie: if they told us a trait or habit of our own that we aren't even aware of was bothering them, do we honestly believe we could stop doing it just like that? Seriously, if we aren't aware we're doing it, how could we stop easily? So, is it fair to hold it against them if they don't change the instant we bring it to their attention?
Which isn't to say that we have to put up with every irritating behaviour. We just have to pick our battles and cut people a little slack. People can change, but the more deeply ingrained the behaviour or reaction, the longer and harder the road to a new way of doing things will be. If it is a deal breaker, rather than make us both miserable fighting constantly, we should try to gracefully back away.
Some people are destined to be great friends, bosom buddies, and life-long pals. Others will merely be acquaintances, or something in-between. There's no shame in admitting that a particular relationship is never going to become deep. Neither should we treat every person we don't mesh with as an enemy.
There's no reason to waste time and energy trying to fit yourself (or the other person) into a role in which neither will be happy.
--Anthony J. D'Angelo
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