Sans Fig Leaf
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"Meandering after dark"
2 November, 2006
When I was a kid, I used to love walking home after dark. Because all the towns we lived in were tiny, the night sky was full of a dazzling array of stars. Living in the city now, I forget how spectacular the stars can be.
It wasn't just the stars that made being out after dark fun. Part of the thrill was the unknown--the possibility that those shadows might conceal something far more exoctic than a neighbor's flower bed. Yes, it could be scary, but it was still a thrill. Some people don't understand that thrill--fear isn't a pleasant feeling.
For a long time I didn't know how to explain the thrilling part. Eventually I came to realize that one of the cornerstones of my personality was a type of self-confidence that didn't just border on arrogance, it completely enveloped and magnified arrogance into a whole new emotion. Yes, there may be monsters lurking in the shadows, but one corner of my brain always believed that I could either outfight, outrun, or outsmart any such creature.
Which isn't to say that I have no self-doubt whatsoever, nor am I fearless in all situations. It just means I'm more likely to confront a scary situation than avoid it. It also means that many times I have made certain social or family situations much worse because I confronted someone over a problem that wasn't worth the trouble. Trying to clean up the mess afterward was never as simple or decisive as the imagined battles with the monsters had been.
No matter how many times things went wrong, it never seemed to dampen that basic feeling of self-confidence. Which is probably how I survived the less pleasant parts of my childhood. Because there were real things just as bad as those imaginary monsters which I had to live with day after day, and which I didn't manage to outfight until my mid-teens. At the time, it felt neither as decisive nor satisfying as the imaginary victories had been.
Over time I came to understand it for what it was. Most of life's triumphs are not accompanied by a ticker tape parade. We overcome an obstacle and find that there is more of the road of life before us. No matter how many potholes we have endured, pitfalls we have avoided, or disasters we have survived, more await around the next corner.
For some people that's a very depressing thought. I used to worry that maybe the fact that I didn't find it depressing was a sign of serious mental illness on my part.
Then I realized that I was overlooking two important parts of the equation. The road of life is strewn with challenges and obstacles--that never changes. But we can change. We can learn from our experiences and become better at overcoming the obstacles. Each challenge we meet can make us stronger.
We can get learn and get better at dealing with the slings and arrows that fate hurls our way--but there's no guarantee that we will. We have to pay attention, take responsibility for our failures as well as our successes, and be willing to try new things. That's not easy, but it is definitely worth the effort.
--Josiah Gilbert Holland
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