Sans Fig Leaf
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"Trainwrecks"
24 August, 2006
I admit it, I seldom can look away from the proverbial train wreck. Call it morbid curiosity or just relief that it isn't happening to me, but I just can't stop watching when someone is screwing up their own life.
Ordinary mistakes and miscalculations can happen to anyone. But what truly fascinates me are the kinds of foolish choices that make you wonder if they're not doing it on purpose: self-destructive behavior that transcends mere incompetence. The cream of the crop are the people who reach those transcendant heights again and again, often surpassing your wildest imaginations. Those people aren't just good at destroying their own lives, but they have a knack for ruining everything they touch.
My perverse fascination with self-destructive behaviour will strike some as hypocritical. I'm always saying that we shouldn't judge each other, that no one has cornered the market on morality or good judgement. Maybe it is wrong; I do feel guilty about it.
But I think there's a difference between being judgemental and making a judgement call. We all have known someone (a sibling, old classmate, or neighbor) who has made decisions we thought were foolish. We can reach that conclusion without crossing the line into being judgemental. We cross the line not when we disapprove of their decision, but when we fail to recognize their right to make the decision.
If we remain civil about it, we can tell them we think they're making a mistake. Remaining civil includes refraining from bringing it up again and again after they have made it clear they're not interested in our advice. It also includes refraining from rubbing it in if they do come to us for advice later. If they aren't asking us, specifically, our opinion of what they should have done in the situation instead, we shouldn't even bring it up.
It's even okay to talk to other people about the situation, particularly if it's a private conversation where the other party understands that we're venting, or thinking out loud, or maybe second-guessing our own conclusions. Sometimes it's therapeutic to share. Other times it's just valuable to get someone else's perspective of the situation.
Maybe they'll help us see that it isn't quite as bad as we think it is. And that, in turn, may make us slightly less likely to do something foolish ourself later on. Experience is the best teacher. Watching other people--either succeed of fail--may not be the best, but it can certainly be a good teacher.
It's even okay to feel glad that we're not making the particular mistake the other person is. There's nothing wrong with recognizing that one is standing on the high ground. But it is a not good idea to get smug about. Because no matter how foolish or crazy someone else's decisions may be, our life choices look just as incomprehensible and ill-advised to someone else.
he going to wedge the second one in there with it?'"
--Lou Grant talking about Ted Baxter, The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
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