Sans Fig Leaf
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"The ties that…"
10 March, 2005
I don't see some of my friends as often as I would like. Some I see or talk to (I mean voices on the phone, I'm old-fashioned that way) every week. Others I see a few times a month, and others still only once a month. Then there are those that I see much less regularly.
In some cases its really clear why we don't see each other as often as we used to: we no longer live in the same town/state/region, or our schedules are very incompatible. In other cases there has been an actual falling out. For example, bunch went away when I came out. In the fifteen years since, a few have renewed contact. Far more common is that we never had as much in common as it seemed when we were both involved in a project together.
There are some cases where I'm less sure what, if anything, happened. Did I say something that hurt their feelings? Was there a miscommunication? I don't know, and it's possible I never will.
There are other cases where I know exactly half the reason we don't see each other as often as we once did. The half I know is that I decided, for my own mental health, to stop subjecting myself to their changed behaviour. The mysterious half is why their behaviour changed. Did I do something? Again, I may never know.
Every aspect of a relationship -- be it friendship, business, hobby, family, or romance -- is a two way street. Both sides have to give, both have to accept, both have to defer, both have to trust, and both have to forgive. It's the last one that a lot of people don't ever seem to realize, they have this expectation that friends will never do anything to each other that needs forgiving.
But we're all imperfect. Sometimes we do things we know we shouldn't. Far more often we do things that unintentionally hurt or inconvenience other people. The closer we are to someone, the more likely we are to inadvertantly hurt or upset them, and the more likely they are to hurt or upset us. So they cut us some slack and we do the same to them. If it's a bit worse, we talk about it, apologies are made, and we move on.
However, the fact that we've forgiven their slip-ups in the past and they've forgiven ours doesn't mean that we shouldn't make an effort not to slip up again. Being imperfect, we will slip up again, but there's a distinct difference between making mistakes despite our best efforts, and blundering around because we don't care.
I can trust someone who's hurt me if I know they're making a genuine effort not to do it again, but I can't if they aren't. I also can't trust a person who doesn't trust me. Or at least my ability to trust them is severely limited if I know they don't trust me.
A funny thing about distrust: it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I distrust someone they will either sense it, or I will hold things back, or I won't defer to them at a crucial moment. Then, because I did that, they pull back and change the priorities. Which just confirms our distrust.
So we have to be careful and recognize that these things are always more complicated than we think. When something goes wrong in a relationship, there's plenty of blame to go around to all parties. Which doesn't mean that no one is ever at fault, but it does mean that we oughtn't to be smug when we think we're in the right.
Because we're almost certainly a little in the wrong, as well.
--Herman Melville