Sans Fig Leaf
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"Indignant"
30 January, 2004
Righteous indignation is a great feeling, right up until that moment when you realize you are being angry at someone for doing something that you have done many times yourself.
It's rather annoying, because by that point I've gotten up a good head of steam and I'm all ready to take the person to task. I've already thought of the points I'm going to make, and the examples I'm going to use.
If I'm lucky, I have the realization before I get any of that out. The older I get, the more often I'm lucky. I'm not sure that indicates I'm getting any wiser, I think it just takes me a few more seconds to get through the build up, which gives cooler parts of my brain a chance to say something.
Which isn't to imply that I never act on my anger. Anger is a symptom of pain. The purpose of anger is to end the pain. We are hurt, or someone we care about is hurt, and anger rises up in us and we do something to end the pain. Then, it's job done, it should fade away, allowing us to get on with enjoying life. When anger compels us to fight injustice or simply to stand up for ourselves it's a legitimate reaction.
Unfortunately, anger isn't always righteous. For example, when we're nursing a grudge. I understand why some people live in a constant state of outrage. It can be fun to chew on past grievances, to relish the tart flavor of revenge (whether imagined or real), or to savour the bittersweet remembrance of pain given and received. Holding onto a grudge is not only not productive, it's counter-productive. We think our anger gives us power over the person who hurt us. But we've got it exactly backwards--as long as we cling to grudge, they're the ones who have power over us. At the end of the process it is ourselves we have chewed up and spat out -- not the person we're upset with.
Anger also isn't always proportionate to the problem at hand. As much as it irritates me when someone gets into the Express Checkout lane at the store with twice as many items as the sign designates as allowable, it would not be acceptable to pull out a weapon and attack the person. In fact, any reaction beyond a frosty look, is out of proportion to the situation.
It's hard to let go of the anger. Too many people don't know how. They think the only options are to hold it in or let it all out in a noisy confrontation.
There is another way. It's called forgiveness. In conversations with people I've learned that many don't know what forgiveness is. Forgiving someone isn't the same as condoning what they did. Forgiveness is not saying, "that's all right" and pretending it never happened.
Forgiveness is simply acknowledging that you're ready to move on. Sometimes we forgive someone because they have done something to earn the forgiveness. That's a rare occurence, in everyone. We seldom earn the forgiveness that we receive all the time from friends, family, and strangers. I've yet to meet anyone who hadn't been the benefit of forgiveness from other people. I've met many grudge-holding, bitter, suspicious people who claim that no one ever cuts them any slack, they're always the victims--but they're wrong. Usually it's the other way around.
Sometimes we forgive someone because they need it. The person can't move on until things are cleared up. Maybe the relationship will never be the same, but it will remain painful until the forgiveness is given, and the anger is let go.
But most of the time we forgive people because we need to get over it and get on with living our lives. It's hard to kick back and laugh at the joys in life when you're grinding your teeth in fury.