Sans Fig Leaf

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"Making a List"

9 December, 2002

Every year some family members (and a few friends) ask for a Christmas Wish List, and every year I either procrastinate right through the whole season, or hand off a list that makes me feel very uncomfortable. Even worse, every year I receive lists from some friends and family members.

I have no problems with people giving some guidelines about things they do or don't want. For example, some years ago my mom asked me to not to give her presents that were just supposed to sit around and be pretty. She has way too much stuff in her small home, and doesn't really need more clutter. That's a guideline that's easy to deal with, particularly when she's made it clear that's she's perfectly happy to receive edible gifts.

It's the specificity of an explicit list, and the feelings of obligation that attend it, that bother me most. There's also the subversion of the whole gift-giving ethic that bothers me.

If I buy a gift for someone, it's because I want to give that person a gift. It doesn't mean I expect a gift in return. It doesn't mean I felt obligated to give them something. I got off the guilty-obligation merry-go-round a long, long time ago. If I receive a gift, the gift itself is never nearly important as the amount of thought that went into it. I really mean that. I invite you to review one of my previous essays where I waxed poet about a paper towel rack Michael gave me one year. I really loved that gift, and it touched me a lot more than most of the other things I received the same year.

Even when someone misguesses, when I know that they genuinely thought I would like the gift it feels more valuable than knowing that they took item number four off my list.

I have a similar problem with wedding registries. I can never buy something off someone's wedding registry unless it's an item that I might have thought of buying the person on my own. As I was discussing this with a friend, she put it really well, "When it's someone you care about, you need to bond with the gift." In other words, I want the gift to be something that says, "Gene thought you would like this." Being one of eight people who bought you place settings in your chosen china just isn't the same.

I know how awful it is to want to buy a present for someone and to have no idea what to get them. I also know how unsatisfying it can be to be given a gift that is just completely inappropriate. I know that no one likes to feel either way, and I certainly don't want to contribute to their pain. To alleviate it, I'd much rather give some broad guidelines and include the out, "or you can just make a donation to your favorite charity."

A gift is a token of affection or esteem. It is not a bargaining chip. It isn't a fee for services rendered. The whole point of a gift is that it's something you give to another person because you want to. That's why it's called a "gift." I know that may seem like a trivial observation, but a lot of people don't seem to get that. It's about how I feel about you. Not about what I think you should feel for me.

That's why emphatic "requests" for nothing can be even more irritating than long lists of very expensive items. The very suggestion implies that you are expecting a gift from the other person. As Miss Manners points out, receipt of previous gifts should never be taken as an indication of more gifts to follow. Regardless, depending on how the "no gift" request is phrased, it can imply that one is rejecting the affection or esteem, rather than the gift itself.

I realize that these are all personal issues and everyone has a different take on them. Things are always a matter of perspective and degree. I've resorted to using someone's list before. They can be a handy guide, particularly if I have a vague notion what I want to get a person, but am worried that they already own a copy of that book or movie or whatever.

I guess what I have to do is remind myself that when someone asks for my wish list, it means that they care enough that they want to get me something I'll enjoy. And I can accept lists as guidelines which I can follow or ignore as the whim strikes me.

As I said, a gift is a token of affection. Any time we express affection we run the risk that the feelings are not reciprocated, or not reciprocated in the exact same way. That doesn't mean that we're a bad person or that they are a bad person. It just means that we're all different. And that's one of the things that makes this world such an exciting place to live in.

That we sometimes get to take risks wrapped in pretty paper and tied up with a bow is just icing on the cake.