Sans Fig Leaf

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"Magic words"

26 September, 2002

As a child I was taught to use the magic word, "please" when I wanted something, and "thank you" when someone did something for me. Like many children, I didn't really understand what the words meant. I just knew that if I said, "I want a cookie," I would be scolded, but if I said, "Please I want a cookie," I wouldn't. I didn't always get the cookie, but at least I wasn't scolded.

As I said, I didn't really understand the words. They were simply a trick I learned to perform in order to provoke the desired response from my parents. As I got older and began to develop empathy--able to understand that other people had feelings--I was able to begin to grasp the difference between a demand and a request. The next door neighbor kid who said "please" as he shoved me to the ground and ran off with my Tonka truck wasn't making a polite request. He was being a bully and a thief. Whereas a younger cousin who said, "I play too!" before sitting down and helping me assemble tinker toys into whatever I was building may have forgotten the magic word, but certainly wasn't being a bully.

I've come to realize that a surprising large number of otherwise intelligent, generally functional adults don't have much of a sense of empathy. Intellectually they know that other people have feelings, but they are unable to sympathize and feel those feelings themselves. They find an enormous variety of human behaviors incomprehensible, or leap to unflattering conclusions about the motives of others.

Many have never gotten past the bully and take stage. They may say, "May I please borrow this?" in a proper tone of voice, but they get upset if told "no." They may whine. They might get angry. They may sulk off to a corner and say bad things about you.

The sad part is that they genuinely do not understand. They used the magic words. They performed the trick. Why won't you give them what they want? Some of them assume you didn't give them what they want because you're mean or prejudiced or in league with their enemies. Others, I and think these may be the saddest cases of all, don't even learn the simple lesson that you aren't likely to give them what they want. No matter how many times you tell them "no," they keep coming back again and again with similar requests.

Even more troubling than those who can't understand the true meaning behind "please" are those who never even try some of the other magic words, such as "I'm sorry" or "I'm glad you're my friend."

"I'm sorry" gets a particularly bad reputation, and very undeservedly so. Saying "I'm sorry" isn't the same thing as saying, "I'm wrong." Sometimes that's what it means, but it can also mean, "I didn't realize that would hurt your feelings." It can even mean, "I don't understand how it hurt your feelings, but I value our friendship more than my own pride, so I want to try to repair the friendship." And those are perfectly legitimate feelings to have. There's nothing wrong or misleading about it if you're sincere about the friendship being more valuable than the disagreement.

Even when we are sincere, the magic words don't always work. Sometimes that happens. If the person can't forgive us, they can't. We're entitled to a clear conscience if we made a sincere effort. Maybe sometime in the future the friendship can be salvaged.

We do have to be able to move past our own pride. It's hard to do. I'm still not very good at it. Fortunately several years ago a particularly disasterous series of events helped me have an epiphany: if I refuse to talk to everyone who has ever been mean to me, or refuse to work with anyone who has ever been uncooperative, soon I will have no one to talk to and nothing to do.

There are dozens of times each week that we inadvertently snap at a friend or loved one, or that we get annoyed and say something a little more harshly than we would have if we had been in a better mood. We hope that our friends will forgive the lapses and remain friends. If we hope that, how can we even contemplate not offering them the same courtesy?

Yesterday was my 42nd birthday. During one of the scads of phone calls I got from loved ones wishing me well, I was asked, "So do you have any words of wisdom to pass on?"

The most important lesson I've learned is that love and friendship are more valuable than anything else I can ever own, except possibly self-respect.