Sans Fig Leaf

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"No-win Situation"

14 February, 2002

"We're politic'ly korrect,
That's korrect with a'k'
'Cause we say 'P.K.'
That's politic'ly korrect.

Politic'ly korrect,
Whether straight, or gay, or bi,
WHATever,
We're politic'ly korrect..."
-lyrics by the Fabulous Mr. David Maddux

In the on-line world February 14th is just one great, big, no-win situation. Unless one is involved in a very small, attitudinally- and relationaly-homogenous subset of the community, it's just a deadly emotionally minefield waiting to get you.

• If you acknowledge that it's valentine's day and in any way imply that you are happy about it, someone's feelings will be hurt.
• If you acknowledge that it's valentine's day and make any sort of disparaging comments about it, someone will take offense.
• If you post something that has nothing one way or other to do with the topic and carefully avoid it in every way, someone will ask why you didn't say something about it.
• If you are a chatterbox the rest of the year (guilty) and try not posting anything on that day in hopes no one will notice, someone will ask why you were silent (and depending on their own feelings about the day, either berate you for not waxing eloquent about your boyfriend, or angrily accuse you of being too busy celebrating with said boyfriend to take a little time to help your single friends feel less unloved).

I say this from experience. I can't seem to get through Valentine's week without finding out that I've upset someone or other simply by surviving the day. So, I've decided to just take the bull by the horns and deal with it.

I quoted some lyrics from a hilarious song written by my old friend, David Maddux, for a reason. It's because political correctness isn't just limited to an ultra-liberal political agenda; any ideological agenda can, and does, use those tactics. And the two opposing valentine's day camps have honed it to a fine art in the on-line world.

I haven't always been in a relationship. I got so used to being in the emotional space of being single and not terribly happy about it, that it's still something of a shock to me every morning to wake up and discover I'm not alone. So, yes, I understand what it's like to be single. I know what it felt like seeing people happily paired off when I wasn't. I knew the pain of being completely smitten with someone who was in love with one of my best friends. I knew the double-pain of having a crush on a guy and not being able to share the misery with anyone else because not even my closest friends knew I wasn't straight. So I understand, really, I do, why just seeing Michael and I together being happy can cause someone else heartache.

There were times I felt that heartache. There were times I said something to one of my friends that made them feel guilty for being in a relationship. There were probably times I lashed out a little, made a snide remark or something to try to make them hurt as much as I did. So I understand where the negative comments come from.

And, I've had the incredible luck (and luck does have more than a little bit to do with it) of falling madly and deeply in love with someone who loved me back. When you find that kind of relationship it's impossible to keep it to yourself. You want people to know what a great person your significant other is. You want to share the joy with your family and friends. Even when you're a gay man living in a very homophobic society, it's very difficult to be in love and keep it a secret. So I understand why people want to talk about their relationship and receive a little acknowledgement of it.

I don't need the calendar to remind me to tell Michael I love him. I don't need a holiday to give me an excuse to buy him presents. We're both so comfortable just being ourselves together that we never seem to remember that February 7 is the anniversary of our first date until after it's passed, let alone feel the need to make a humongous production out of Valentine's Day.

I don't even think much of the so-called coupled ideal. I don't believe that there is one and only one soulmate out there for everyone. I don't believe that no one is capable of loving more than one person at a time. And I don't believe that everyone would be happiest if they were in a relationship with their "one true love."

But I refuse to feel guilty for being in love. When I was single and made other people feel guilty, their guilt didn't alleviate my loneliness by one iota. When I lashed out and hurt their feelings, it didn't get me one step closer to happiness. All that happened was they were hurt, and I wallowed in self-pity.

So, it's Valentine's Day. The eve of the Ides of February, which was the beginning of an ancient Roman celebration of fertility and purity (hard for some people to believe those go together). Some parts of the Roman festival were rather shocking to the prudish sensibilities of the early Catholic church, which is probably the reason that a pope declared Feb. 14 the Feast of St. Valentine in 498 AD. The oldest surviving Valentine Greeting (a love letter which specifically mentions St. Valentine's Day as a day to celebrate one's love) is a letter written by the Duke of Orleans to his wife in 1415, while she was imprisoned in the Tower of London (take that, everyone who claims the holiday was invented by greeting card companies; in fact it was the other way around).

I'm not sure how Michael and I will celebrate this ancient pagan festival of fertility and purity, but we'll do it together and completely guilt-free.